This Week's Revelations

May 22, 2025

Sun, Earth, Moon

Many things have been revealed to me along the way on this path so far. Things from my childhood that I didn't think were still an issue anymore, things I had forgotten. Things that I really never realized were significant when they happened at the time. Today is Sunday afternoon, almost 2:00, and I've already meditated twice to center myself, I woke up feeling shaky today.

When I woke up, I could feel sadness in my heart immediately, this is a great contrast to the past, well, the past for as long as I can remember really for which I've been largely numb inside. Occasionally pain would bubble up, but I was quite skilled at stuffing it back down inside me. But now, since I've been working on keeping my heart chakra open, I can feel emotions all the time. I read that the process of releasing my stored inner pain would be, well - painful, and so far, it has been, but in small doses that I've been able to handle. I've realized that I actually can handle pain, I have a built-in system for processing and releasing it that works so much easier than the clunky process of stuffing it down and letting it eat away at my well-being for the rest of my life. It's truly so much easier.

Everyone's experience is different, and reader I will tell you that I am 47 years old and I'm a newborn baby at this. I'm just learning. Every once in a while, I get a powerful taste of that beautiful light, love and energy along the way while I'm meditating and trying to keep my heart open and it's so nourishing to me that it's enough to keep me going. But I'm not plugged into the source of it full blast all the time. I feel like I have a low-key connection to it always, and I feel that it's slowly growing, but I know somehow that the connection could be so much stronger if I can keep feeling and releasing these old hurts that I'm carrying in my heart for no good reason.

Incense

So, this morning reader, I had a difficult time quieting my mind. I tried telling it to be quiet, then I remembered that it's pointless to fight the mind and what I need to do is not get involved in it. So I tried ignoring it, and like a sea creature with slippery mind tentacles, it kept slipping sentences of material worries in on my quiet peace, saying "I didn't eat breakfast, I'm probably hungry and that makes it hard to meditate", and "there's dishes in the sink, you should probably clean up the kitchen before you take time for this". I kept falling off the path. I didn't get up. I also didn't feel like I was going to be able to go deep this morning. I was too agitated for some reason. But I wanted to get rid of this sadness.

I didn't give up, I just kept concentrating on the words "Relax" "Open", and eventually I kind of noticed that my shoulders were down in a relaxed position, my spine was straight, and my heart felt very relaxed, I had let go of the tension in my physical body. Then, the next stage for me, which I now welcome because I know it's my physical body's last attempt to stop me before I go really deep - little itches. My thumb, the tip of my nose, my knee, elbow, side of the face, little parts of my skin start to itch intensely, one at a time. If I can stay still through them all and watch them come and go, then I know I'm getting somewhere.

I can only describe the reveal of the actual emotion I had been feeling all morning in my heart as somewhat akin to a raising of the Titanic. I was not in touch with this part of myself directly, but the pain felt fresh and ready to come out. I was immersed in memories of my childhood, of my dad promising to take me camping and fishing but never doing it. I was that little girl again, and she felt like she wasn't worth spending time with, and it was a deep wound to her self-esteem. But I also saw how sick my father was at that time, he had chron's disease and when I was growing up, he was in and out of the hospital with bowel resections, he was working nights as a prison guard because at the same time he was the breadwinner of the family. He suffered greatly during that time, but he always had a hug and a kiss for me, a kind word, some encouragement, he was doing the very best he could. I could feel how tired and discouraged my dad felt, and the fact that he knew he was letting me down did make him feel bad, he apologized for it all the time. He just had such a very heavy load to carry. I also felt the sadness and rejection and how unimportant that little girl was feeling. I honored the feeling and gave it space in my heart and let it sit there center stage in my chest. But I didn't touch it, not with my mind, I didn't analyze it all again, I understood it was a feeling, one of millions I would experience on this earth, a feeling that wasn't even based on reality, and that holding onto it was only hurting me. I felt it until the feeling was gone. It had passed through me.

I think. I've been having doubts. The feeling is gone, I can think about those memories that used to be very painful to remember and now I don't feel that sharp, very deep-down pain like I always used to. But does that mean the pain is gone, or have I just stuffed it again? I've read that when you are releasing a lot of pain the correct way your heart can develop a burning sensation, which I've not experienced yet. I have felt like my heart had to sneeze really badly, I know that sounds crazy but that's what it felt like. Maybe that was building up to something, I don't know. I let the feelings rise, hold them in my heart and just feel them until they are gone, it only takes a few minutes. I hope that its working. I definitely feel that something is happening inside. Maybe because I'm so new at this it's just releasing very slowly. But it must explain that low-key connection that I have now to spiritual energy all the time. Something has been moved out of the way to open that channel within me.

Stacked stones

*Update* It's the next day, Monday, and I woke up feeling more sadness this morning, this time even more intense. I felt the need to meditate early so I got my cup of coffee and sat down to find the center. It took me a while to settle. I was able to go to a place of deep stillness, then an itchy throat released a instinctual cough and I was pulled right back out. I took a sip of coffee and closed my eyes again. I focused on my breath. I actively said to my mind "You're not needed for this, thank you, be silent please." I gave it the job of saying "Relax and Open" and suddenly I was aware that I was sitting on a dock, facing a beautiful lake, surrounded by high snowcapped mountains. No people were about. There were no ripples in the lake. It was smooth as glass. I could make ripples in it by blowing air onto it or touching it with a finger, but if I just held still the lake was a perfect sheet of mirror glass, reflecting the beautiful blue sky and the puffy white clouds rolling by. This was how it should always feel inside, like that lake, like my consciousness, no ripples, no disturbances, just reflecting the beautiful sky and the clouds, letting them pass by.

I felt the sadness rise in my heart again, this pain was deep, I could feel the deep tendrils that it had driven into my psyche. It would take many attempts to root out all of this sadness, I wasn't going to do it all at once. But I was filled with a passion to try, so I gave the sadness center stage. I let it fill my chest but again I didn't analyze it, I didn't touch it. I'm not sure what it was related to, I could list a million possibilities, but that exercise has no point to it. The point was letting my soul, my consciousness, release that sadness, back into the universe as pure energy, so my heart will be free, and I won't be living my life in emotional pain all the time as I do now.

I was having doubts as to whether this process was working or not, whether I was doing it right. The pain just isn't leaving me fast enough! This is why I was stuffing it all down, right? At least when I was numb, I didn't hurt like this! But I also didn't feel any joy or love, not fully. I knew the memory of those feelings, and I'd say there was an exception for my children when it came to deep burning love, I always have been able to feel a strong love for them no matter how numb I've gotten. But being spiritually awake and open I feel positive feelings much more powerfully now and I'm no longer mindless, a much better tradeoff.

I did a google search on "how to know if you're releasing your emotions or just stuffing them back down inside yourself" or something like that and the very first article I clicked on was by a female psychologist who had all the information I was seeking. She spoke somewhat clinically about this exact process, and while she describes how to release feelings, which lines up with my process so that was a relief, she didn't describe exactly what it feels like when you release a feeling, no one has that I can find so far. I suspect because (according to my experience) all that happens is the feeling leaves you and disappears. She did describe being mindful, giving space in your heart for your feelings to pass through, some meditation tips that were useful. She reinforced the realization that I had when I woke up - you have so little control over things external to you, the real work in your life is inside yourself, and most importantly that the voice in my mind is not me, I am the one who hears the voice. I am the hearer, the witness, the spirit, whatever you call it. And that being is powerful and intact and is perfectly capable of handling emotions. You must stop asking the mind to handle these things.

Sometimes I think having a yogi would be so helpful. But maybe I'm meant to do this by myself. Maybe I'm meant to dive back into the old texts I read as a 20 something, perhaps they hold the clues now that my 20-year-old eyes weren't ready to see. Maybe I need to watch Oprah's new podcast faithfully, or definitely read the sequel to Michael Singer's book. I'm not sure reader but I'm just going to keep treading on this path, keep meditating, keep relaxing and opening my heart chakra (it's amazing how often I find it closed up tight once I started to pay attention!), and keep trying to stay centered. It just feels better than feeling nothing, having no hope or joy, and trudging through life only to make it to death without any meaning or purpose, which is definitely what I was doing before. Before I woke up. Thank God I woke up!